Back in May, I met up with Shannon, longtime friend and owner of the blog, the creation of beauty is art.. We usually get together every few months for lunch or dinner and an outing of some sort, even if that outing is a simple stroll around a local mall. It’s a chance to catch up, have some face-to-face socializing, and to simply spend time with a friend. I picked her up, we went glow-in-the-dark mini putting, went for a stroll around a mall, had dinner, and then I dropped her off home again.
As she got out of the car, she said something that made me both smile and stop in my tracks. “I love you.” I love you. Words society reserves only for the most intimate and romantic of relationships were said to me by a friend at the end of a perfectly normal get-together.
For some context, Shannon and I met in a way that almost feels fated. Logically, I know it was coincidence, but there’s a spot of dialogue from one of my favourite shows, BBC Sherlock that runs through my head whenever I chalk something up to coincidence. The dialogue reads as such:
Sherlock: “Could be a coincidence.”
Mycroft: “Oh, Sherlock. What do we say about coincidence?”
Sherlock: “The universe is rarely so lazy.”
The universe is rarely so lazy.
Shannon and I met briefly in downtown Toronto in May 2004 outside MuchMusic waiting for our favourite band at the time to leave through one of four possible routes out of the studio parking lot. We’d picked the same one, hoped for the best, and then got talking about another of our favourite bands. The band we were there to see didn’t choose our driveway to leave by, and after realizing this, Shannon and I went our separate ways. I headed home, not thinking I’d ever run into her again. I hadn’t even gotten her name. Fast forward to August 17, 2004, and I was, once again, waiting for our favourite band in Toronto. This time, it was for one of their concerts, a general admission show which meant we were going to be waiting all day because the venue was standing room only and the best views were first come, first serve. I left the line to get something to eat, and in the burger place up the street, I ran into Shannon again. We recognized each other immediately, and asked how the other had been. Later on, while we were preparing to finally enter the concert venue, she and I actually started talking. We exchanged emails and MSNs (yes, MSN… yes, I am that old), and thus began what has gone on to be 22 years of friendship. Yes, twenty-two (22!) years of friendship. Our friendship has had its ups and downs, we’ve had disagreements on things (some more important than others), but we’ve always held our friendship above everything else. We have agreed to disagree on minor things, but our morals are pretty much in line with each other’s. We have loved, and walked away from, the same artists – including the band at whose appearances we met. I was at her wedding and hopefully she’ll be at mine if that is in the cards for me. We have been each other’s ears and shoulders when times have been rough. We don’t see each other as often as we’d like to – we live three towns away from each other and only one of us has occasional access to a vehicle – but we talk when we can, usually through Messenger. We both lead busy, sometimes demanding lives, and Messenger allows us the space and opportunity to respond when we have a few minutes. This is especially important when our replies to each other can be three or four paragraphs long and span two or three topics all at once. In the end, our friendship has been solid, and I am grateful to have her in my life.
I have never doubted the love in our friendship. Love is a word we have used in the messages we write in the cards we give each other at birthdays and Christmas. The words, I love you have been written in those messages, too. But, unless my memory is incorrect (which is possible), the end of our most recent outing is the first time I’ve heard those words from her. And this got me thinking.
Did you know that there are languages in which there are multiple words for the English word love? There are also languages in which there is more than one way to say, “I love you”. For example, in Spanish, the phrases te quiero and te amo both mean “I love you”, but to different degrees. The verb quiero means “I want”, but when paired in a phrase like, te quiero, it is a casual, platonic way of saying, “I love you”. Te amo is reserved for those in deep, romantic relationships. And then, there’s Greek, which has six different words for love, and they all mean slightly different things.
Agape – (agápē) is the concept of the love we have for community and deities. It is translated, literally as “affection”, as in “greet with affection” and “show affection for the dead”. In Christian contexts, agape means “love, unconditional love, charity; the love of God for a person and the love of a person for God”. It has also been described as “to will the good of another”. If I interpret this correctly, agape is the love we have for a higher being, those we miss, and the general hope that those in our community are doing well.
Eros – (érōs) is the concept of sexual and erotic love. In Greek mythology, Eros (Cupid to the Romans) is the god of love and sex and is seen as either a primordial god or as the son of Aphrodite. The word eros translates to “love, sexual passion”. The Modern Greek word erotas means “intimate love”, and these words are where we get the terms erotic and erotica from. According to Plato, eros is initially felt for a person, but by extension, it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person or an appreciation of beauty itself. This gives rise to the concept of platonic love to mean “without physical attraction”.
Philautia – (philautía) is the concept of loving oneself. The word itself means “self-love”. Self-love can be both positive and negative; loving ourselves enough to treat ourselves in healthy ways or loving ourselves so much we disregard everyone else. This can also be interpreted as self-compassion and as the root of a general kind of love we have for family, friends, and our hobbies and interests.
Philia – (philía) is the love we have for those we see as equals. Our friends (“brotherly love”), our colleagues, our family, our community. Philia means “affectionate regard, friendship”, usually displayed between equals. It is a love that requires all parties to be on equal footing. This word is found in the name of the city of Philadelphia (philíos, “dear, beloved” or phileo, “to love” and adelphos, “brother”. Literally, “brotherly love”). We also find the related philos, “friend, lover” in the given name, Philip. (“Friend of horses”. Philos, “friend, lover” and hippos, “horse”.)
Storge – (storgē) is the concept of the love between parents and their children. It is also thought to describe acceptance or tolerance, of “loving the tyrant”. Hate the sin, love the sinner. By extension, storge can be used to describe one’s love of their country or their favourite sports team.
Xenia – (xenía) is the concept of hospitality, also known as “guest-friendship”. This represents generosity, hospitality towards travellers, welcoming foreigners. The whole hospitality industry is based on xenia.
Six different words to describe different kinds of love. There is some overlap, but the idea of being able to properly name the type of love one has for another person is fascinating to me. I kind of wish English had the same. Maybe then, the idea of saying “I love you” wouldn’t feel so heavy or so intimate.
I wish English also had more than one word for love. Maybe it’s just my experience, but we don’t say those words enough. Maybe it’s because we don’t have multiple words for love that it seems like society has reserved those words to be said between people who are in close romantic and familial relationships. And even for the latter of those examples, it seems like those words are only exchanged when children are young. Perhaps my perception of this is based on my own personal experiences and yours are different. If yours are positively different than mine, that is wonderful. For me, I can’t remember the last time I heard I love you come from those close to me, other than when Shannon said them to me back in May. I know I haven’t heard them since.
In no way am I saying I don’t feel loved by those around me. I feel it when close friends ask “How are you?” and understand the unspoken weight behind my response of, “I am” or “I’m upright.” They know there’s more there that I can’t talk about because of time or place or who else happens to be around. I see it when friends set an evening aside so I can talk about things that have been going on in confidence and privacy. I’ve experienced it in those who stepped forward and supported me during traumatic events – people who have fed me (and made sure I actually ate), people who have told me I am staying at their place because I shouldn’t be alone, people who have walked with me to my car so I didn’t have to do it alone, people who have made sure I haven’t put myself last. These people, if they’re reading this, should all know who they are. Those who have shown up have shown up, and those displays of love have meant more to me than I have probably ever conveyed. And I certainly haven’t forgotten those who have shown up in digital spaces. They are just as important as those who have physically shown up.
The afore paragraph demonstrates that acts of love speak louder than words of love. This has been proven to me time and time again. Still, sometimes, it is nice to hear those words spoken. One of my favourite songs is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and there’s a lyric in it that goes like this: “Those three words are said too much. They’re not enough.” I both agree and disagree with this lyric. Or, at the very least, my experience agrees and disagrees. I agree that simply saying “I love you” isn’t enough; I disagree with the notion that it is said too much. For me, it’s not said enough.
So, as you turn your attention from this blog post and back to the outside world, do me a favour? Tell someone you love them. Not just your spouse. Tell your sibling(s), your cousins, tell your friends, heck, tell your pets (my cats, Misty and Acorn, heard me tell them I loved them all the time). Saying “I love you” doesn’t have to be reserved for spouses and parents and children. Platonic love is just as important as romantic and familial love. Tell someone you love them the next time you see them.
And until next time, stay safe, stay well, and keep on keeping on.
I love you.
Catherine
No comments:
Post a Comment